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When your brain is like a child jumping around insanely...


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#1 BigJoe

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Posted 31 July 2023 - 01:27 AM

Have you ever felt like that? Like in the back of your head is this kid throwing temper tantrums and freaking out violently over and over again until the madness drips down into your fingers and you start wigging out on the internet?

 

I used to be able to collect some calmness over time. A sense of worth. Willingness to strive towards a greater purpose and be of a vaguely civilized mind. But then that freaking insane kid comes back and starts throwing chairs and all my fingers can do is follow suit.

 

Someone will likely come along and try to generalize, saying "horseshit, it's called lack of self control". I contend that it goes a little deeper than that. Like some otherworldly cthulu-esque demon has taken a foothold.

 

Its easy to just say "you're a narcissist" and leave it at that. I cannot argue against that point effortlessly. However, I'd like to think I have some form of regard for the sanity of others.

 

EDIT:

If one could put to trial my quest design, would one say that it borders on the level of narcissistic? Do I look for openings in the human psyche with which to pummel senselessly into insanity the player? I have been told that the music I composed for 5th quest could just about drive a person into a coma from its sheer lack of melodiousness.It was so mind numbingly horrible that I had to seek help just to make it suck a bit less.

 

Imagine, if you will, a darknut that phases in and out like a wizzrobe. Forcing you to predict its location as though you were operating in sync with the machine you are playing on.

 

Other such cheap and abominable things I've no doubt driven people into madness with.

 

On careful self analysis I would say that If I am not a narcissist, then I at least have a very gaping and soul crushing mean streak.

 

I don't want it. I want the madness and lack of rhythm in my behavior to subside.


Edited by BigJoe, 31 July 2023 - 01:46 AM.


#2 Twilight Knight

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Posted 31 July 2023 - 01:46 AM

I can't say I fully relate, but partly. Like how I sometimes know at the moment of saying/writing something I will regret it later, but do it anyway. I am getting better and better though at listening to my own intuition.

 

I'm guessing that is a natural human behaviour, to sometimes lack some self control. However what you are describing is not something I am familiar with. I also don't think it's narcissistic, though I don't know enough about it to properly say why.

 

Not to label you of anything (I don't know you that well anyway), but it might be bipolarity, autism or ADHD for example, some conditions of which I know impulsive behaviour is one of the symptoms. If this is truly something that concerns you, it might be better to visit a therapist for it. Especially if these kind of things effect your life outside of the internet as well. 

 

I have a mild form of autism myself and being diagnosed (when I was 12 or so) and having some therapeutical help was really... helpful :-)



#3 Chris

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Posted 31 July 2023 - 08:43 AM

If you mean urges that overthrow your calm rational thinking, then yes. If you mean it quite literally, a (kid's) voice urging you to do things, then no.

Until a friend suggested to me I might have ADHD, I had no idea that that could be the case. Meds do help me somewhat, but the diagnosis itself is already the biggest help. It feels a lot better than thinking that I am a freak or stuff like narcissistic.
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#4 Magi_Hero

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Posted 01 August 2023 - 08:18 PM

Bigjoe your post pretty much sums up my hyperactivity as a kid as far as ADHD goes

random spurts of craziness followed by more distress from the undesired outcome

#5 BigJoe

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Posted 02 August 2023 - 01:24 AM

The worst part is that it eats apart my creativity like acid.




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