26 replies to this topic

[sigtau]

Well, as you may have noticed, I'm not a really frequent poster on here anymore (although that doesn't mean I'm completely gone from here). For a good reason, too. Now that I've managed to get out and see the world for what it really is, and stop staring at my two monitors all day, I've got a social life. I've had three girlfriends in the past year, I have a good portion of "the popular crowd" at my back as good friends, along with all of my old friends still here. Yet, there is still one problem that has managed to kill me throughout my life, and it's one problem that was caused through my own error and the provoking of others.

I also know that if I don't find a solution to the problem, it's one that'll follow me through life and never cease to exist. Some might say this isn't a problem, and that it's a virtue, but the fact that I'm so accustomed to it has left me believing that learning a way around this wouldn't be a problem (because I could still be the same way if I wanted to).

Now, you're probably tl;dr'ing right about now, so I'll stop rambling. If you didn't guess from the topic title, I need to know how to un-shy myself; how to actually talk to new people at my own will, and maybe somewhere in there, how to talk to a girl.

(Yeah, I have had three girlfriends in the past year--but they all asked me. Just a bit pathetic, nonetheless.)

If I can do this, I'll be able to get through a lot of places in life. Not just for my teenage years, but for years to come.

As sad as it is for me to have to ask the Internet, it's because the people around me can't give advice, citing that it truly requires experience... and all I need to know is how to get such experience.

[Moonbread]

I'm not entirely sure of this, myself. I used to be shy, but it kind of just went away eventually. I think it really will once you find friends that you'll really connect to later in life, when things just feel much more important.

If anything, there's nothing wrong with turning to the internet sometimes. It's just like real life- full of some nice people, and the rest are douches.

As for the girl situation...well hey, for me, I've known this one girl for over a year and on Tuesday I'm going to ask her to lunch. It's as simple as saying "Hey wanna get some lunch sometime?"

[Wild Bill]

Get yourself in situations where people accept you and encourage you to participate. Then you will begin to feel like you can participate in situations like them. It won't necessarily make you outgoing, but it should loosen you up a bit.

As for asking girls out, don't bother. Waste of time that you could spend bettering yourself.

[Exate]

Get yourself in situations where people accept you and encourage you to participate. Then you will begin to feel like you can participate in situations like them. It won't necessarily make you outgoing, but it should loosen you up a bit.

A good suggestion.

Consulting a really outgoing friend to try and encourage and or "force" you to do these things can also help. Actually getting down to do it is how you become accustomed to it all. You might mess up or look like a fool the first few times, but it's all experience that builds you to be better at it down the line.

All I can really tell you in regards to conversing with people is to not go out and drop your interests on them through some discussion about what you like, as there's a chance they may not be interested and or completely oblivious. You have to open up with common questions--such as inquiring what their hobbies are, music they listen to, etc. etc.

Girls really aren't any different than guys. We're all human, and although we're diverse in several ways, there is still a similar chemistry in regards to how we think. Just be a gentleman.

However, going up to a person out of the blue can be extremely creepy, but if you're in a situation with several people (some whom you may know, which have brought friends you're unfamiliar with but interested in meeting), it should be fine to ask some of the common aforementioned questions after you've all pretty much become acquainted with one another.

[sigtau]

As for asking girls out, don't bother. Waste of time that you could spend bettering yourself.

It's not a waste of time if you make the right choice. It all depends on you and the person you ask, as far as I know. I've made a mistake here and there--and I know how and why it happened, and whom had caused it. It all just depends on whether or not it was a good choice to begin with.

Although, there's also the fact that I'm a sophomore in high school, so in order to keep any kind of good status (which, as aforementioned, I now have one), I'm almost "required" to do these things. I'm not going to go as far as partying every Friday (which, most at my school know the consequences of doing so and refuse to to begin with) or anything like that, though.

To quote a T-shirt I saw for sale on xkcd.com:

"SHY, NOT ANTISOCIAL (You can talk to me!)"

All I can really tell you in regards to conversing with people is to not go out and drop your interests on them through some discussion about what you like, as there's a chance they may not be interested and or completely oblivious. You have to open up with common questions--such as inquiring what their hobbies are, music they listen to, etc. etc.

Just to clarify, I'm not having trouble talking to people if they talk to me first. And about girls, that's not the only thing on my mind when I think of my shyness. The one thing that does come to mind is my inability to approach someone (even if I do know them, and if I don't, I probably won't, because I wouldn't have a reason) about something.

When I do talk to someone new, usually the standard "what are your hobbies", "favorite music", etc. conversations pop out, and I don't have trouble. 99.9% of the time, this works.

If anything, there's nothing wrong with turning to the internet sometimes. It's just like real life- full of some nice people, and the rest are douches.

Interestingly enough, I know exactly what you mean.

As for the girl situation...well hey, for me, I've known this one girl for over a year and on Tuesday I'm going to ask her to lunch. It's as simple as saying "Hey wanna get some lunch sometime?"

It's more complicated for me than you think. Since I literally pulled myself out of a hole, in terms of social status, I still have people believing that I'm in that hole--because they haven't taken the time to get to know me yet. This makes it even more difficult to walk up to a girl and ask the question, because I'm not entirely sure if they're going to reject me simply because they still believe I'm in that hole.

Edited by TMS, 06 September 2009 - 09:18 AM.

[Alestance]

What I have to say is something you probably don't want to hear, and I don't mean offense by it.

Stop procrastinating, man up, and get the job done. If you're too busy shaking in your boots, its no wonder you're not out there. Just ask the girl, then if she say's no, there are plenty of others. Just do it already, and stop being a coward. The more time you waste asking others for opinions and help, the smaller the window of opportunity gets.

[/blunt, harsh honesty]

The unfortunate truth about love is that its not fair very much. You'll get a lot of noes, and very few yeses. Especially with how you're acting about it now. Just do it, if she hints at that social hole you used to be from, tell her to screw the damn hole.

[The Satellite]

As for asking girls out, don't bother. Waste of time that you could spend bettering yourself.

Actually, failed relationships can end up bettering someone. Live and learn, right?

[Fabbrizio]

Learn from my mistakes. I've tried and failed many, many times to do what you're doing, and I think we're sort of cut from the same mold when I consider tendencies and troubles.

The best way to un-shy yourself is to have great success at sociality when you're not being shy. If some of the more triumphant moments can be times when you say something smart, clever, or funny, you're on the right path to learning to not be shy.

Speak with confidence. As a habit, people tend to get discouraged after making one mistake. But looking from the other end of the conversation, people tend to not pick up on the things you don't intend to say, and if they do, they'll possibly just laugh it off.

If it's about approaching someone you don't know and talking to them, the best thing to do is just do it. Just talk to them. What can it hurt? It may feel uncomfortable to you, but the more casual you are, the less uncomfortable it will be for them. And if they're not uncomfortable with talking to you, things will go well.

And ultimately, remember; you know what you're doing. If you ever forget that or doubt that, things might go wrong. But as long as you remember that you know what you're doing, chances are you won't fail.

Best case scenario, you should be able to do that kind of thing without thinking.

That's all I have to say on the matter, hope it helps.

Edited by PowerGauntlets, 06 September 2009 - 09:45 PM.

[CastChaos]

After numerous tries to lower my shyness, a very unique thing solved this problem.
You see, certain accomplishments gradually lowered my shyness, but only by bits. Internet accomplishments like some good videos, getting QPF, releasing a non-small quest; and real life accomplishments, like getting special degree, amaze some teachers on certain subjects, increasing certain knowledges of mine beyond average.
However, what finally set things straight that I realized I'm not somebody who have many people to rely on anymore, rather many people rely on me from now on. From child type person, I turned into parenting type and this doesn't even leaves place for shyness. In real life, this for example means that not even my brothers and sister, but many times also my parents ask things from ME (relating to business, history, psychology, mysticism or anything); on the internet, this for example means that while long ago I kept asking a barrage of questions about ZC, now I'm the one who is frequently asked about ZC in PMs, YouTube PMs and YouTube comments.

So it's age combined with character. Learn, study, experiment and investigate so that others will rely on your knowledge and you will simply forget being shy while trying to reply for (or at least listen to) the cascade of questions.
Some alternate solutions could be joining the military or starting to drink/smoke, but I guess you don't want them, and I hope you especially don't want the latter.

[Moonbread]

Well, from what I know with TMS, he is already pretty darn smart and impressive... but the thing is is that flaunting talents shouldn't be the reason for having such talents. They should be put to better use, after all. Basically, there's such thing as having a good ego and a bad ego. A good ego is, for example, a good friend of mine who's at the top of his college classes. But he doesn't let it go entirely all to his head, and he helps those who need the help. And a bad ego is pretty much that you take advantage of what you can do and use it to make yourself feel like you're king of the world and everyone is your lowly subjects or that no matter what anyone does, it'll never be better than what you do.

And don't get me wrong, I do make bad egotistical comments, especially when I made the highest grade on a test in Government recently

But aside from all this, an ego is something you don't need to be social, either. It's more or less about finding the right people, I think. I didn't need an ego for being a good writer to get my friends. And when they found out I was a good writer...I was just trying to help them get to know me better.

[sigtau]

It's increasingly difficult to talk to someone about such things when you regard her as a friend (and have absolutely no problem carrying on a normal conversation with her, unlike past cases). It's especially difficult for me to go any further than that. Simply thinking about it makes me want to choke and jump in a bed of coals.

[Fabbrizio]

Well, if that's how it is, try thinking about it more. Think about it until it doesn't feel painful. Get comfortable with thinking about it. If you want something to change, then you have to fix your mental state.

However, if you regard a girl as a friend, maybe it's not the best thing to try to get her to be more. If she doesn't think the same, it could ruin your friendship with her. If things are perfectly fine with her as a friend then you have little reason to change that.

[LostInHyru1e]

I'm assuming the real thing you want here is "how to talk to a girl." Well, it's pretty simple: experiment. Figure out what works. Generally, no girls dislikes you entering a conversation with a joke, and then you just have to figure out what they like from there.

Really, above all you have to remember they're humans just like you and you need to talk to them naturally. I know a lot of people overthink it and "plan" what they're going to say. Sometimes, when the conversation doesn't go they way it was "planned", they'll freeze up. In my opinion, the ONLY thing you should plan in a conversation is what starts it. Once it's started, it's just like any conversation, it evolves. If you keep your cool and you're an alright conversationalist, then talking to a girl is just like talking to anybody else.

Once you're talking to a girl and you like her, flirting is a little different. Just like conversation, you need to get an idea of what the girl likes. They're all different. Generally speaking, you're doing well if you can get a conversation like "nuh-uh, you are!" back and forth going, something silly that keeps you both laughing and comfortable.

Bottom line is, talk to girls the same way you talk to anyone else: gauge what they like and don't say anything stupid and if they like you, they like you... and if not, then they don't. But changing yourself, your interests, your opinions, ect. to make a girl like you never ends well. Watch the movies and they'll tell you that.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

[sigtau]

Well, if that's how it is, try thinking about it more. Think about it until it doesn't feel painful. Get comfortable with thinking about it. If you want something to change, then you have to fix your mental state.

Sounds like a plan. Something worth trying since, as I may have failed to mention, is more of a mental state problem than anything.

However, if you regard a girl as a friend, maybe it's not the best thing to try to get her to be more. If she doesn't think the same, it could ruin your friendship with her. If things are perfectly fine with her as a friend then you have little reason to change that.

She and I are currently just friends--although the friendship is new enough for us to know enough about each other. I think that since we're new friends and talking as much as we do without issue, she might see it coming, actually. She's just wondering when, and more importantly, how.

I'm assuming the real thing you want here is "how to talk to a girl." Well, it's pretty simple: experiment. Figure out what works. Generally, no girls dislikes you entering a conversation with a joke, and then you just have to figure out what they like from there.

I may or may not be able to check this off my list, but I'll keep trying for the sake of completeness--and sanity.

Really, above all you have to remember they're humans just like you and you need to talk to them naturally. I know a lot of people overthink it and "plan" what they're going to say. Sometimes, when the conversation doesn't go they way it was "planned", they'll freeze up. In my opinion, the ONLY thing you should plan in a conversation is what starts it. Once it's started, it's just like any conversation, it evolves. If you keep your cool and you're an alright conversationalist, then talking to a girl is just like talking to anybody else.

In the past few years, one thing that I have particularly focused on is humour and how to execute it correctly. One thing that I have learned is the #1 key to humour, and from what I understand, it would apply here as well--is timing. It's all about the timing. Getting a conversation evolving well in English II as we normally do would not be the right time. I know she has my lunch period, though--perhaps...?

Once you're talking to a girl and you like her, flirting is a little different. Just like conversation, you need to get an idea of what the girl likes. They're all different. Generally speaking, you're doing well if you can get a conversation like "nuh-uh, you are!" back and forth going, something silly that keeps you both laughing and comfortable.

Flirting. I'm only good at it when I'm deep into a conversation with a girl. It becomes tedious elsewhere, and in my opinion, is a one way ticket to making myself look stupid if I do it wrong.

Bottom line is, talk to girls the same way you talk to anyone else: gauge what they like and don't say anything stupid and if they like you, they like you... and if not, then they don't. But changing yourself, your interests, your opinions, ect. to make a girl like you never ends well. Watch the movies and they'll tell you that.

"Just be yourself!" etc... right? At the moment, simply being myself to be friends with her seems to be working quite nicely.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

Well, eh, thanks. Lord knows what'll happen next.

[ElLibertador]

About flirting and looking stupid. Don't worry about it much. Most girls will just laugh it off. Just make sure you don't look like a perverted jerk, or say something you wouldn't even like. Keep it real.

Edited by LinkMystro, 12 September 2009 - 12:59 PM.